Grief on the Beach

I know that I have written before about losing Aunt Lisa, but if you know anything  about losing someone to death, missing them usually comes in wavelengths. Sometimes you can hardly move because the feeling of grief encompasses your whole body. Sometimes you cry until you can't cry anymore. Sometimes you can cover up the feeling because it barely hits you. The most undeniable characteristic of grief, for me, is that the smallest, weirdest, unexpected things cause it to hit you. 

Growing up, I learned to love the beach. She taught me. She shared with me her love of the white sand and salt water. We leaned to love the beach together. Since we shared that unconditional love for the "pretty, clear" water, I have never been to the beach without her. At least not that I can remember. Not only are we the only ones in the family who truly love the beach, we are most certainly the only ones who will lay out there all day long trying to "tan." I have definitely never laid out without her.

Upon deciding to go to Panama City Beach for spring break, considering that fact, I knew it would be tough for me. Someone wise once told me that the first year is always the hardest after losing someone because you experience your first everything without them (vacation, birthday, etc). Again, I kept this fact in mind when coming to Panama. 

I knew that undoubtedly at some point, the feeling of grief would hit me. I was correct. Yesterday, sitting on the beach, laid out on my towel listening to music, like we done together countless times, it hit me. The feeling of anger, of regret, of loneliness, of ultimate sadness, it was there. 

I miss you every single day, some days more than others. This week has been one of those "more than others." Grief is hard because while I experience sadness, I know that you would want me to be happy and to enjoy my time here at Panama City since it was one of "our" dream destinations. 

I think of you in Heaven and I know that you have a spot looking out on the shores with your feet in the sand. Enjoy the sunset, too. It's beautiful. 

Miss you, LDE. 💙

Killing 2 Birds With 1 Stone

Sorry there has been so much time between posts. I have been so busy lately between school and my family... 

You may call this embarrassing, I call it truth. Some may say it's ridiculous, I say it's necessary. It may even be laughed at, but I stand by it. 

This is a deal that me and two of my best friends made with each other tonight. A deal to not text guys first this week. As silly as it does in fact sound, how many girls near about blow up a guys phone everyday? What's even worse, is that sometimes girls do it without " a right"... Meaning they aren't in a relationship with the guy. Just like anything, texting is a habit. Texting first is a habit. When our little minds begin to tell ourselves that it's okay, we continuously do it, even though we may be annoying the stuffings out of the person on the other end of the line. 

You see, growing up, all of our mama's and maybe even Daddy's probably encouraged us to "make him chase you", "make him text you", "make him come see you", but yet, somewhere along the way, we lose sight of those instructions and our minds begin to think the opposite is true. (Guilty). 

Though we can't in fact totally block guys out and sometimes it is totally necessary to text one first, this is and should not become a way of doing things, for us girls. I do not think we are made to be the ones that do the chasing but rather we should be chased, or better, we should be pursued. Pursued in such a way that we never have to even worry about texting him to see what he's doing because he has already told us, pursued in such a way that we don't have to wonder if he "likes" us because he is honest enough to tell us... You see the point? We, as girls, should not be the leader. God Himself intended and still intends for men to be the leaders, more importantly the spiritual leaders of households and of relationships. 

So, if you're like me, maybe you need a deal and a contract similar to the one below to get you through at least one week of being "not in control" and learning how to be patient. I'm here to tell you that it's okay and perfectly good that you do so, FOR YOURSELF. After all, no one wants to be the annoying girl he and his buddies laugh about, right? 

Another plus: my contract happens to be killing two birds with one stone because it also entails a deal for Friday night. Since we are dieting in the midst of all of this, we are rewarding ourselves with a milkshake with the understanding that we have not texted or contacted a "guy of interest" this entire week. 

Here's to being pursued rather than doing the pursuing! 

Blessings, y'all! 

the most wonderful time of the year

Never in my life have I been so ready for the holidays. Growing up, I always watched Hallmark and Lifetime movies with my Mama and saw where families would get so excited when loved ones would come home after being away and I just never quite understood it because all of my family was always together anyway. 

This year, though, I do understand it for two reasons. The first one is, I have been away. Even though I go home pretty much every weekend, I am still away a lot of the time and miss out on most of the day to day activities at home. I am so excited to go home and fellowship with all of my family and to truly appreciate each other and not have to worry about leaving again for a while. I am excited to decorate the house with all of the Christmas trees and garland. I am ready to wake up next to Clay and snuggle in every day, to stay up until midnight catching up with my Mama as we stand in opposite sides of the kitchen. I am ready to just be home in my bed every night. I can't wait to have a homecoming similar to the ones on all of the movies I have always watched growing up! 

Second, this year, my family experienced loss like never before with the death of my Aunt Lisa. I know for me and I think for the rest of them, the holidays and time together will mean something more than years prior because we have learned how important today is. We are all only guaranteed the second that we are in right now. Tomorrow may literally never come. The time spent together on the holidays should be the happiest of all times and while I know that this year will be hard because it will be the first without her, I hope that we can truly cherish each other for we never know who may leave us between this year and next.. 

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, etc are truly the most wonderful time of the year. Fellowship with family and friends is something that goes unmatched in matters of the heart and will forever be cherished in this heart of mine. 

Clay Ellis

Dear Clay,

I am sorry that I am not home most of the time. I hate that I have to miss out on day to day life with you. I miss you more than you could ever know. I hope that one day you understand the temporary sacrifices I am making right now for both me but more importantly, you. 

You see, you came a little early in the grand scheme of things and of life. You came right before Mama had to make big decisions about where life would lead me next. Temporarily thinking about what lied ahead, I was content in staying at home with both you and your daddy. But then, he and I decided to go our separate ways. I knew then I needed a change. Your "E-Ma" and "Pa-Pa" love me and you both so much that they offered to keep you so that I could start over and move away to school. I took their offer because even then I knew that I couldn't stay at home to be a full time Mama and college student. I knew that I wanted to do my very best at school so that I could provide the best future for us, me and you. 

I do not regret my decision because I know it is something I have to do. However, it does not change the fact that I miss you everyday and the older you get, the more I miss out on everyday. There are nights when my heart just aches because I want nothing more than to be home with you, to play with you, fedd you, bathe you and then rock you to sleep. But I am doing the best I can here at the best little school in America, Mercer University. I hope that one day you can read this or something similar and be proud of me. One day I will be able to better provide for us because of the education I am receiving here. 

In the meantime, please be sweet to your "E-Ma", "Pa-Pa", Aunt Lilly, Uncle Jakey, and Allison! They are helping us out more than you will ever know! I cannot wait to see all of you on Tuesday!

Love you to the moon and back, little one.

Concerts and Jesus

I shared before my love for music and the sharing of that love that was between Aunt Lisa and I for all types of music, but especially country genre. I mean if she and I had a list of what we loved most, after Jesus Christ and family, I am quite positive that both of us would have country music as a close third. Aside from just the music, we LOVED country music concerts. So much so that for my birthday and/or Christmas the last several years, I got concert tickets so that she and I could go.

I remember my first concert, at the time, I was in the second grade. She and my mama signed me out of school and we traveled down to Jacksonville, Fl to see Kenny Chesney, Dierks Bentley, and Keith Urban. I felt on top of the world; I mean, a concert of those three was every girls dream at the time. I still remember the tshirt I got; a pale yellow Kenny Chesney shirt with a picture of him at the beach on the front and a list of his tour dates on the back.

After that memorable first one, we saw icons like Rascal Flatts with Kellie Pickler; Jason Aldean (about 5 times, he was/is my fave) with Lauren Alaina; Toby Keith with Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert (before either of them became big); Tim McGraw with Jason Aldean; Lady Antebellum; Eric Church with Brantley Gilbert; and finally, Luke Bryan (also about 5 times, he was her favorite). Needless to say, it was out favorite pastime. There are certain lessons/rules/memorable sayings that we had that I will always hold dear to my heart.

1. Months before the concert, it was imperative to download any song by the artist we didn't already have and listen to it along with all of the other songs by them so that we knew ALL of the words to EVERY one.
2. Because we went well prepared, we took it upon ourselves to always point out the "dummies" who wouldn't sing or worse, would sing even when they clearly did not know the words. (that was probably her worst pet peeve)
3. If you're going to spend money on a ticket, why not spend a little extra and "do it big"? By that, I mean if you are going to a concert, "nose bleeds" seats are not an option. Buy them ahead and sit close enough so that you can actually enjoy Luke's dance moves or Jason's trademark head nod.
4. Time is of the essence; it is important to arrive in plenty of time. You just never know what can happen between arrival time and time of the concert. The opening act is not something to take lightly. Never know what kind of hit star they may become, everyone has to start somewhere.
5. NEVER do you leave the FIRST time that the headliner goes off the stage, they always come back and you never know what they will sing or do in the encore. More often than not, it is the best part of the show.
6. Finally, make friends with those around you. Drunk or not, you never know what can happen. Rarely have I attended a concert and left without considering the people next to me "acquaintances", may have been drunk ones, but acquaintances none the less.

Said all of that to say, of all the concerts we went too, never did we attend Luke Bryan's Farm Tour together. Which was rather a shame considering he comes within five miles of my house every single year. I was always the stickler for not wanting to go. This year, with me being in Macon and him also coming here to play, I meant that I was going, and since her passing, I somehow felt like I owed it to her to go because bless her heart, she contemplated going literally every year only for me to talk her out of it. Due to drama with friends, I arrived late which I could see her rolling her eyes with disappointment because she taught me better. Got there and I soon realized why I had never wanted to go. A field with everyone and their mama drunk off of their butts. No seats to separate people, no security at every row to keep things in line, and no designated smoking areas or trash cans every where you looked. Just a field with a bunch of drunk rednecks. Awful. 

Beyond that, for me, it was more awful because that was the first concert I attended without her. Lonely had instantly reached a whole new level. I felt so lost, for the one person I wanted to be there with me, I realized would never be able to attend another one with me. I am so thankful that we did share that love for country music and country concerts because now that I have the first one under my belt, I hope that the concerts I choose to attend in the future will be the places in which I feel her presence with me the most and instead of feeling lonely, I will feel a beautiful, singing angel next to me.

Thank God for Jesus. Thank God for family. Thank God for memories. Thank God for country music. Thank God for concerts.  

God as a friend

I posted a quote from one of my favorite books and movies on Facebook a while back that said this, "Never forget that God is your friend. And like all friends, He longs to hear what's been happening in your life. Good or bad, whether it's been full of sorrow or anger, or even when you're questioning why terrible things have to happen."

At the time, I did it for the moment of mere inspiration it provided me, in hopes that it might do the same for another. I never knew the truth it would hold in the days and weeks to come. As you know, my family and I have experienced disease which led to a quick, unfortunate death to one of my most treasured people on the Earth. Going home on Friday and knowing that it literally could be any second made me feel sick to my stomach. However, on that drive back home, I did in fact talk to God and tell Him what was going on (as if He didn't already know), I talked to Him and just asked Him to provide us with peace and comfort in the days to come. Prior, I had asked Him to please just help Aunt Lisa to quit suffering. 

Sunday morning was the time. It happened, 7 am Sunday morning. I remember walking into the living room to find mama and Clay in the rocking chair and I just knew. It had happened. My role model and one of my best friends was gone. Just like that. Sunday, though, was not when it hit. I spent the rest of that day totally in a daze, not even realizing what was going on. I mean, it couldn't be real, could it? Went home that night and had a descent cry, still, death had not hit home. I remember most of Monday was about the same way. However, that afternoon as we were getting in the truck to go back to the pond house, it stabbed me, right in the heart. She would never be in the truck or in her car behind us going to Grandma's ever again. Never again would I see her pull up in the Ford Edge just to hop in with us to go eat dinner on D.D. Durrence like we always did. She was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. 

I don't think the real sting set in until we got to the funeral home for visitation on Tuesday. There is something about that place that just literally makes death REAL, makes death very much alive. That is when I talked to God, again, rather I got angry with God. I was crying but yet just full of anger. It wasn't fair, she could not be gone. She was not supposed to be laying in that casket for all to see. No, not my Aunt Lisa. I began to suddenly question why, why now? Big things were starting to happen, all of "her children" are hitting critical points in our lives and she will never be here to experience them again. Just gone. I was angry, very much so. Wednesday carried on the same way. 

The following days were a little better in that I did in fact finally reach the point of closure. I think I have gotten most of the crying out of the way, yes I definitely still have moments. But I have done more talking to God, let Him know that I was full of anger and that I am still full of sorrow, but it has been in those times that He has somehow assured me that He is my friend, things happen in His time, and she is so much better off. I hope that through all of this, me and God can become better friends and I will continue to share my anger, my grief and my continuous thoughts with Him, again as if He doesn't already know all of it. 


"So, if you're up there watching me, would you talk to God and say, tell Him I might need a hand to see you both someday, oh, my, my.... I'll see you on the other side.."

lessons in a song...

 The last night I really spoke to my Aunt Lisa is one I will never forget. I walked into the room and could tell it took all she had to even recognize who I was. However, after we carried on for a minute, she seemed to want to talk to me and to me alone. I went into that conversation thinking it would be a series of goodbyes and I love yous, but I am forever grateful that I was wrong. The short conversation wasn’t merely an exchange of words, but rather a singing of a few of our favorite songs. If you know how our relationship was, you would know that aside from the beach, a vital part of that relationship was music. So on that night, September 22, 2014, we sat and sang. 

Being the gentle, quiet spirit she most of the time was, it was sometimes hard for Aunt Lisa to say exactly how she felt or tell you exactly what needed to be told. However, I think that the timid youngster that used to get off the hook by saying, “You tell them, Ellen” learned her own language that she used in the classroom, in her office as a high school counselor and administrator, and in her everyday life among friends and family. That language was music. 

I will never forget the countless summer days that we spent riding back and forth to the ball fields for ball games. Olivia, Kaylyn, a few others, and I would always pile up in Aunt Lisa’s car just because we knew we could play whatever music we wanted in order to get pumped up for the next game. You could bet your bottom dollar that the song we would have on repeat was “All-Star”. It went something like this, “Hey, now, you’re an all star, get ya game on. Go play.” At the time, we took it literally but now, I think she would not only want us to listen to that song and cherish those good times but to also remember to do our best in the big game—life. 

Second, ole dolly…My how we loved Dolly.  Aunt Lisa’s favorite Dolly song was “Hard Candy Christmas”.  The chorus of that song says this, “I’ll be fine and dandy, Lord, it’s like a hard candy Christmas, I’m barely getting through tomorrow, but still I won’t let, sorrow bring me way down.” That song speaks for itself, but I cannot help but think of the constant reminders she gave all of us as the FAMILY counselor.  She would remind us that there is always worse and not to let our temporary sorrow keep us down. Everything in life isn’t hard candy.

A second Dolly song Aunt Lisa loved was “Islands in the Stream”. If you don’t know that one, I apologize, and when you leave here, please listen to it on the way home.  Scott, thank you for showing that no matter what, nothing or no one comes in between true love.  And to Grandma and Granddaddy, thank you for riding the stream with her until it quit flowing. 

When Joseph was little, we always had to listen to “Bouncy Ball”… probably the most annoying song on the face of the Earth. However, through all of that, she unknowingly taught me several important lessons about being a great mother that I will never forget, so thank you, Joseph, for making us sing about that bouncy, blue ball. 

I will end the lessons in a song with what I think is probably a favorite to many, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. This song made it in just about every single car ride at least once, if not more than once. Several times, I believe that she, mama, Olivia and I competed to see just who could hit those high notes the best, and yes, it’s a wonder that the windows didn’t’ burst. I think, again, that the title speaks for itself, and I am thankful that she lived those three words out in her everyday life. She never quit believing in herself, her family, and most importantly through all of her hurt, she never stopped believing in the GREAT I AM. 

Now, for everyone, all of her lessons from songs are wonderful but if there is one thing that I think she would want to stick would be her all time favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for You, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a new future.” Though God’s plans for Aunt Lisa are now complete and drawn up, He is not done with any of us yet and I know she wants us to follow His plans for our lives. She told me so on that last night, “It’s God’s plan,” she said.