At the time, I did it for the moment of mere inspiration it provided me, in hopes that it might do the same for another. I never knew the truth it would hold in the days and weeks to come. As you know, my family and I have experienced disease which led to a quick, unfortunate death to one of my most treasured people on the Earth. Going home on Friday and knowing that it literally could be any second made me feel sick to my stomach. However, on that drive back home, I did in fact talk to God and tell Him what was going on (as if He didn't already know), I talked to Him and just asked Him to provide us with peace and comfort in the days to come. Prior, I had asked Him to please just help Aunt Lisa to quit suffering.
Sunday morning was the time. It happened, 7 am Sunday morning. I remember walking into the living room to find mama and Clay in the rocking chair and I just knew. It had happened. My role model and one of my best friends was gone. Just like that. Sunday, though, was not when it hit. I spent the rest of that day totally in a daze, not even realizing what was going on. I mean, it couldn't be real, could it? Went home that night and had a descent cry, still, death had not hit home. I remember most of Monday was about the same way. However, that afternoon as we were getting in the truck to go back to the pond house, it stabbed me, right in the heart. She would never be in the truck or in her car behind us going to Grandma's ever again. Never again would I see her pull up in the Ford Edge just to hop in with us to go eat dinner on D.D. Durrence like we always did. She was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.
I don't think the real sting set in until we got to the funeral home for visitation on Tuesday. There is something about that place that just literally makes death REAL, makes death very much alive. That is when I talked to God, again, rather I got angry with God. I was crying but yet just full of anger. It wasn't fair, she could not be gone. She was not supposed to be laying in that casket for all to see. No, not my Aunt Lisa. I began to suddenly question why, why now? Big things were starting to happen, all of "her children" are hitting critical points in our lives and she will never be here to experience them again. Just gone. I was angry, very much so. Wednesday carried on the same way.
The following days were a little better in that I did in fact finally reach the point of closure. I think I have gotten most of the crying out of the way, yes I definitely still have moments. But I have done more talking to God, let Him know that I was full of anger and that I am still full of sorrow, but it has been in those times that He has somehow assured me that He is my friend, things happen in His time, and she is so much better off. I hope that through all of this, me and God can become better friends and I will continue to share my anger, my grief and my continuous thoughts with Him, again as if He doesn't already know all of it.
"So, if you're up there watching me, would you talk to God and say, tell Him I might need a hand to see you both someday, oh, my, my.... I'll see you on the other side.."
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