He's got the whole world in His hands

I remember growing up in Sunday school and children church singing “He’s got the whole world in His hands….” The different verses would change where it said whole world and we would sing about everyone and everything we knew, “he’s got the mama’s and the babies in His hands, He’s got the daddy’s and the grandma’s in His hands… He’s got the whole world in His hands…” As a little kid that meant next to nothing I mean really, how much can you hold in your hand? However, as I have grown both physically and in my faith, that song means so much to me. God, the God of the universe literally holds everything and everyone in His hands. I am reminded on John 16:33, “In the world you will have trouble but take heart, for I have overcome the world.” That verse means what it says. God sent Jesus, God in the flesh, down to Earth to overcome all that is of the world. Literally, God has the world in His hands.  Further than that, the same God of the entire world, entire universe, holds us in His hands, like an earthly parent holds his/her child.  My almost 2 year old has hit a streak of wanting to be held. When he is scared, he wants to be held. When he is tired, he wants to be held. When he just needs to relax and feel warmth, he wants to be held. Guess what? That is how God is with us. The same God who holds the whole world wants to embrace us just like Clay wants to be embraced by me. When we have too many burdens to carry, He tells us to bring them to Him. When are tired, He says He will give us rest. When we need a new beginning, He says He will provide it. When we need love, He is the ultimate provider. Ultimately, when we need protection, He is our eternal shelter.

I can write on this topic of God wanting to hold us all day long, but truthfully, what do we want to be held? People, even “Christians” want to give God the “bad” stuff. We want him to hold our burdens and the hard parts of our life. Honestly, we blame Him for the bad part much less expect Him to hold it like it was His fault to start off with. We run to Him as a shelter when things are tough because as humans, we want someone else to handle the bad in our lives. It is easy to give Him the grief we can’t endure on our own, or the bad friendship that we just don’t want to deal with anymore, or the Sundays where we have nothing better to do but show up in church.

But what about the things of this earth that bring us joy, why are we not as willing to give those things to God and let Him hold them as well? For me, it was the high school love relationship that I thought I could handle on my own. I thought it was okay for that to be the only part of my life that I didn’t let God hold. Before long, it was the only thing holding me and the only thing I held onto. It left me in total despair and total loneliness because I had let that stupid boy “hold me” instead of my Heavenly Father. The truth is, even though we only want to let God hold the hard and bad parts of our lives, most often we mess up most by holding onto the finer things in life. Because more often than not, those are the things we should willingly let Him hold, probably before we even get our hands on them, so to speak. The things that we must end up turning back over to God after they destroy us could cause a lot less hurt if we turned them over at the very beginning.

I don’t know about you, but I am a bit of a control freak and the idea of letting someone else hold every aspect of myself and my life sometimes “freaks” me out. It is crazy to think that like I said before that the God of the entire universe wants to hold us and our lives, too! He wants the good, the bad and even the ugliest parts of our lives! I like tot think of Him as a friend who I would tell my deepest and darkest secrets too but who I would also call to tell them really exciting news! I am reminded of my 2 year old… when he figures out a new toy, he wants to show me. When he makes a mess on the kitchen floor, he still calls me to see. The good parts of his day and the bad— I am a part of it all and I hold him through all of it. That is what God wants from us, HE WANTS to hold us and even more than that, He wants us to love to be held by Him. He wants to embrace us just as I embrace Clay, as our Father; He wants to hold us. “and by Him we cry, Abba Father, for the Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s Children.” (Romans 8:15-16)

Despite the fact that I am a control freak, I have learned that when we are able to relinquish the control to God as our Father, as my Father, the control of my whole life—I am given a spirit of peace, of renewal, of mercy and of steadfast love. The power is God is relentless and abundant, for He has the power to hold me, to hold you and anyone else who lets Him, anyone else who truly loves Him! I am thankful that He surely does have the whole world in His hands.

soaking up the little things

I remember all those days I would stand hopelessly looking into the mirror. I remember watching you get ready and wishing I could do all those things with my hair and face, just like you. I remember the way you would let me pretend with all of your jewelry, clothes and make up. I remember one day I finally had eyebrow hair to pluck, just like you ALWAYS did and just like I ALWAYS watched you do. See, those were some of the little things I remember about you. How beautiful I always thought you were, even when you were sick. How much I wanted to be just like you-even if it meant painfully plucking my eyebrows. Everyday when I pluck them now (yes, everyday, just like you), I get to remember you and all of the meaningful and meaningless conversations we had in your bathroom over your bathroom counter... while you plucked your eyebrows. How silly, right? Who would have thought that something as random as eyesore plucking would make my heart long to have you back? This only makes me think of one thing: how imperative it is that we soak up the little things in life. To take heart in the everyday tasks we often take for granted. 

Clay has taught me the same thing this summer. At the beginning of the summer, the pool liner had a leak in it. This meant that everyday Daddy would turn the hose on and fill the pool back up with water to where it's supposed to be. Somehow, everyday, Clay would find the hose when it was on. His little self would sometimes get out of the pool just to stand on the side and hold the hose. Maybe he thought he was helping the water get into the pool. Or Maybe he loved to watch the hose water splash against the salty chlorine water. Whatever it was, it fascinated him. He loved it- loved the magical feeling he got from something as small as a hose. He may not ever, actually probably won't ever remember holding that hose as it flowed water into the pool, but I will always remember the way that his fascination with it stopped me in my tracks and told my soul to pause and "soak up the little things in life" and for that, I am thankful. 

Here's to hoses and eyebrows that need plucking.... 

Playing in the dirt....

I currently have a lot of summer goals, some of which I will probably never get to.... But I quit blogging during spring semester due to the overwhelming load of school work that was more than enough to handle at the time. So it is my goal to document this summer through the life of sweet Clay. 

I have enjoyed more than anything my time with him already in the (almost) two weeks that I have been home. He LOVES outside. Anything outside. He can be covered in dirt, drenched in sweat and red in the face but you will never hear him say anything about going inside. He is also "all boy" and loves his tractors and trucks. Put the two things (outside and his tractor/truck) together and you have an emmensly tickled toddler. 

So, before he discovered his love for the pool (before I let him in so I wouldn't freeze), we would go outside and play in the dirt with his truck. He is so smart and knows that the tailgate on the truck is made to carry things, so in his mind, it needed to carry dirt. His little hands would dig up the dirt and try so hard to make it to the back of the truck, only to drop almost all of the dirt in the journey there. In the meantime, I would showed him how to scoop the dirt in an old bottle and then he would proceed to try that only to go back to using his hands..

When he finally caught on that his method wouldn't work, he continuously called out for help from me to show him the way of how to make it work with the bottle... 

"Mama, mama... Dirt," he would say. 

I learned two things from Clay that day as I watched him try his hardest to move the dirt... 

1) Perseverance. We are told over and over to never give up, to place our faith and hope in something way bigger than ourselves and then fight the good fight by continuously doing good. Bless his heart, he fought in the smallest way to get that dirt in the back of his truck. 

2) Dependence. In this crazy world, on the midst of trying to do good... things get tough and unmanageable for us. We are promised by God himself that he will never leave or forsake us, that we must just call out His name and He will be there. He longs for us to be dependent on Him as Clay was dependent on me to show him how to transport the dirt from the ground to the truck. 

Can't wait to continue learning from precious Clay Ellis this summer!

Grief on the Beach

I know that I have written before about losing Aunt Lisa, but if you know anything  about losing someone to death, missing them usually comes in wavelengths. Sometimes you can hardly move because the feeling of grief encompasses your whole body. Sometimes you cry until you can't cry anymore. Sometimes you can cover up the feeling because it barely hits you. The most undeniable characteristic of grief, for me, is that the smallest, weirdest, unexpected things cause it to hit you. 

Growing up, I learned to love the beach. She taught me. She shared with me her love of the white sand and salt water. We leaned to love the beach together. Since we shared that unconditional love for the "pretty, clear" water, I have never been to the beach without her. At least not that I can remember. Not only are we the only ones in the family who truly love the beach, we are most certainly the only ones who will lay out there all day long trying to "tan." I have definitely never laid out without her.

Upon deciding to go to Panama City Beach for spring break, considering that fact, I knew it would be tough for me. Someone wise once told me that the first year is always the hardest after losing someone because you experience your first everything without them (vacation, birthday, etc). Again, I kept this fact in mind when coming to Panama. 

I knew that undoubtedly at some point, the feeling of grief would hit me. I was correct. Yesterday, sitting on the beach, laid out on my towel listening to music, like we done together countless times, it hit me. The feeling of anger, of regret, of loneliness, of ultimate sadness, it was there. 

I miss you every single day, some days more than others. This week has been one of those "more than others." Grief is hard because while I experience sadness, I know that you would want me to be happy and to enjoy my time here at Panama City since it was one of "our" dream destinations. 

I think of you in Heaven and I know that you have a spot looking out on the shores with your feet in the sand. Enjoy the sunset, too. It's beautiful. 

Miss you, LDE. 💙

Killing 2 Birds With 1 Stone

Sorry there has been so much time between posts. I have been so busy lately between school and my family... 

You may call this embarrassing, I call it truth. Some may say it's ridiculous, I say it's necessary. It may even be laughed at, but I stand by it. 

This is a deal that me and two of my best friends made with each other tonight. A deal to not text guys first this week. As silly as it does in fact sound, how many girls near about blow up a guys phone everyday? What's even worse, is that sometimes girls do it without " a right"... Meaning they aren't in a relationship with the guy. Just like anything, texting is a habit. Texting first is a habit. When our little minds begin to tell ourselves that it's okay, we continuously do it, even though we may be annoying the stuffings out of the person on the other end of the line. 

You see, growing up, all of our mama's and maybe even Daddy's probably encouraged us to "make him chase you", "make him text you", "make him come see you", but yet, somewhere along the way, we lose sight of those instructions and our minds begin to think the opposite is true. (Guilty). 

Though we can't in fact totally block guys out and sometimes it is totally necessary to text one first, this is and should not become a way of doing things, for us girls. I do not think we are made to be the ones that do the chasing but rather we should be chased, or better, we should be pursued. Pursued in such a way that we never have to even worry about texting him to see what he's doing because he has already told us, pursued in such a way that we don't have to wonder if he "likes" us because he is honest enough to tell us... You see the point? We, as girls, should not be the leader. God Himself intended and still intends for men to be the leaders, more importantly the spiritual leaders of households and of relationships. 

So, if you're like me, maybe you need a deal and a contract similar to the one below to get you through at least one week of being "not in control" and learning how to be patient. I'm here to tell you that it's okay and perfectly good that you do so, FOR YOURSELF. After all, no one wants to be the annoying girl he and his buddies laugh about, right? 

Another plus: my contract happens to be killing two birds with one stone because it also entails a deal for Friday night. Since we are dieting in the midst of all of this, we are rewarding ourselves with a milkshake with the understanding that we have not texted or contacted a "guy of interest" this entire week. 

Here's to being pursued rather than doing the pursuing! 

Blessings, y'all! 

the most wonderful time of the year

Never in my life have I been so ready for the holidays. Growing up, I always watched Hallmark and Lifetime movies with my Mama and saw where families would get so excited when loved ones would come home after being away and I just never quite understood it because all of my family was always together anyway. 

This year, though, I do understand it for two reasons. The first one is, I have been away. Even though I go home pretty much every weekend, I am still away a lot of the time and miss out on most of the day to day activities at home. I am so excited to go home and fellowship with all of my family and to truly appreciate each other and not have to worry about leaving again for a while. I am excited to decorate the house with all of the Christmas trees and garland. I am ready to wake up next to Clay and snuggle in every day, to stay up until midnight catching up with my Mama as we stand in opposite sides of the kitchen. I am ready to just be home in my bed every night. I can't wait to have a homecoming similar to the ones on all of the movies I have always watched growing up! 

Second, this year, my family experienced loss like never before with the death of my Aunt Lisa. I know for me and I think for the rest of them, the holidays and time together will mean something more than years prior because we have learned how important today is. We are all only guaranteed the second that we are in right now. Tomorrow may literally never come. The time spent together on the holidays should be the happiest of all times and while I know that this year will be hard because it will be the first without her, I hope that we can truly cherish each other for we never know who may leave us between this year and next.. 

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, etc are truly the most wonderful time of the year. Fellowship with family and friends is something that goes unmatched in matters of the heart and will forever be cherished in this heart of mine. 

Clay Ellis

Dear Clay,

I am sorry that I am not home most of the time. I hate that I have to miss out on day to day life with you. I miss you more than you could ever know. I hope that one day you understand the temporary sacrifices I am making right now for both me but more importantly, you. 

You see, you came a little early in the grand scheme of things and of life. You came right before Mama had to make big decisions about where life would lead me next. Temporarily thinking about what lied ahead, I was content in staying at home with both you and your daddy. But then, he and I decided to go our separate ways. I knew then I needed a change. Your "E-Ma" and "Pa-Pa" love me and you both so much that they offered to keep you so that I could start over and move away to school. I took their offer because even then I knew that I couldn't stay at home to be a full time Mama and college student. I knew that I wanted to do my very best at school so that I could provide the best future for us, me and you. 

I do not regret my decision because I know it is something I have to do. However, it does not change the fact that I miss you everyday and the older you get, the more I miss out on everyday. There are nights when my heart just aches because I want nothing more than to be home with you, to play with you, fedd you, bathe you and then rock you to sleep. But I am doing the best I can here at the best little school in America, Mercer University. I hope that one day you can read this or something similar and be proud of me. One day I will be able to better provide for us because of the education I am receiving here. 

In the meantime, please be sweet to your "E-Ma", "Pa-Pa", Aunt Lilly, Uncle Jakey, and Allison! They are helping us out more than you will ever know! I cannot wait to see all of you on Tuesday!

Love you to the moon and back, little one.