Tis the Season

Christmas... a time of joy, of love, of cheer and singing loud for all to hear. Right?
Well, why then, is Christmas also a time of sorrow, of sadness, of loneliness and just plain darkness for a whole lot of people?

I read a post earlier yesterday that wrote on how a lot of those latter feelingscan come from unrealistic expectations that we, as materialistic humans, set before ourselves. Which I absolutely agree with. BUT, what if, what if, no matter what we’ve done/not done, expected/not expected, Christmas is still just blah. Crazy to think about, right?

What if, just imagine, the entire year leading up to the celebration season has not been a good one? Or what if you just lost someone you so desperately loved? What if you’re still grieving a loss from several years ago? Divorce, custody battle, etc.... you get the point.

I bet, then, regardless of what is happening around you right now, in the midst of this joyous time, you actually struggle to find joy. ME, TOO.

Clay loves to read at night when we are rocking. The last few nights, we’ve read two of my favorites, “The Little Mouse, The Big, Hungry Bear and The Red, Ripe Strawberry” and “Merry Christmas Big Hungry Bear.” The first story is so cute, a little mouse finds the ripe strawberry, but the narrator warns him to look out for the big hungry bear. The mouse tries guarding the strawberry, disguising the strawberry and then just decides to eat it. The second story is different. The mouse has hoarded lots of presents, and the narrator says something like “the big Hungry Bear sure would like to have these presents.” So, the mouse guards them.

Then, a few pages later, the mouse decides to bag the presents up and take them to the bear. The next part is what struck me. “Little mouse, you sure are brave. No one wants to go to the big, dark, cave to see the big, Hungry Bear.”

Picture this: the little mouse is Jesus. Hurting people are like the big Hungry Bear. Maybe everyone around you seems to not notice your hurt, your guilt, your sadness, etc because you stay tucked away in your own cave. You may feel so alone, so hurt and just “not feeling it.” It may seem like it takes a while, maybe longer than it should, but Jesus will come to you. Great news!! HE ALREADY HAS. In the darkness, in the cold, and in the cave, wherever you are... He is there, He has been there and Hewill be there.

The gospel. The truth. The spirit of Christmas. You know, some years, it may be extremely hard to celebrate. It may be difficult to fake a smile for every single family member. The smile may feel a little real for a little while, and then fade away into the night. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but know this—-I am with you. I feel you. Some days are hard. Some seasons are hard.

It is okay. Jesus came on a dark night long ago. He will come again. And He will always meet you in the cave. The little mouse is here to save the day and save your life.

I long for...

I have sat today, in class and at work, just reading the hate and animosity from both sides. The threats, fowl language, and disregard for each other and my heart is broken. Here is some truth in the midst of turmoil.

This world has and always will be a cruel place. The fall of man made it that way. We are born selfish, sick, unlovable people. Thank the Lord we have a Savior who made it so we can be unselfish, clean and lovable.

I never stress about politics and frankly don't get involved with them much. For one reason alone: God is sovereign. I talked with my roommate and closest friend yesterday and said, "Allie, I think it is so silly how people are posting to pray everywhere as if that will change the result of this thing." She laughed. It reminded me of Proverbs 31 where a Godly woman is described. It says she laughs because she has NO FEAR of the future. Things are rough here and will only get rougher, people. The Bible says so, but have no fear because this world has been overcome.

I believe in praying without ceasing. Without prayer, there have been many days when I know I couldn't have made it. But praying for God to choose a certain candidate is so silly. If you think that He didn't know from the very beginning who would win this thing, you're wrong. The state of our nation is absolutely no surprise to Him. What was a surprise to Him, I'm sure, are the thousands of people who have all of a sudden "turned to Him" during this process and have never answered His call on their heart prior. I just don't think it is adequate or fair to fall on your knees to BEG for a certain candidate to win. For His hand to be in it, yes. For His mercy to reign, yes. But you cannot just expect His will to change. Even news reporters call this election a miracle, and I don't know about you but when I hear the word "miracle", I think of God, God's hand and God's way.

Do I or are we all supposed to always understand God's plan? Are you kidding me? Throughout this past year of my life, I have learned to pray not for understanding, but for patience to endure, peace in the midst of life's happenings and the strength to play my part when I'm called. Trump is our president and I'd be lying if I said that I agree with everything he has done or said. But here I am, a young female with a son, a family who I love more than anything and friends of all colors and sexualities and I am unsure of what is to come for us.

So what do we do now? We continue to pray. I have seen too many things in my life turn out to be for a greater good than I EVER thought possible. So we pray that in the midst of all the hurt, the anger, the sadness and whatever else is to come that people do TRULY turn to Jesus as cry for hope. We hope that a greater good will shine and that we can be the American people that we are supposed to be. We seek peace and patience. I have learned that peace often comes from not seeking to understand. So while I will never, and I admit, I will never be able to fully understand the oppression that so many people feel, I can cling to the peace which comes only from knowing Jesus Christ. Most of all, we love. We love without expectation or justification. We just do it because we want the same in return.

I long for the day that we can look back and laugh at every single one of these posts. I long for the day that I can tell my son about how we actually became unified under a president who no one thought would even become elected. I long for the day that we can truly put our faith in someone bigger than this nation. I long for the day when everyone has to take responsibility for their own actions and words.


I long for Jesus.
"I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world, you will have trouble, but fear not, for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

21 Things on my 21st

i reflected a week ago on experiences in my life so far, things I've learned, and lessons/just things I want to carry with me or things I would tell someone younger than me... here it goes..


1. Trust your gut. Always. It's right, 99% of the time and that 1% might be a good lesson learned.
2. Follow your heart. Similar to 1, but hey, the heart knows what it wants, right?
3. Pray without ceasing. About the smallest of things and the biggest of things... prayer, it changes everything.
4. Don't apologize for how you feel because being strong has absolutely nothing to do with hiding feelings.
5. Choose wisely who and what you spend your time on.
6. Live in community and keep your friends close to you, in person and spirit.
7. Don't ever ever look back.
8. Study hard. Nothing worth having comes easy.
9. Take time for yourself. 2 hours of solidarity might be just what you need to "get yo self together".
10. Take pictures, lots.
11. Be a part of something bigger than yourself. It may feel like work, but it will be a blessing.
12. Listen to understand.
13. Bad days happen and can actually be used for good--strength.
14. Not going out doesn't mean missing out.
15. Challenge yourself to something new as often as possible.
16. Go home and remember where you're from.
17. Know that you're worth more than you could ever imagine and don't settle for anyone who treats you like less.
18. Learn as much as you can. Preacher man says a day is wasted if you didn't learn something new
19. Your actions speak louder than your age, education or your words.
20. Laugh hard and often.
21. Love harder and completely.

eye of the storm

I have been dreading this week for about a week now... everyday without my aunt lisa is hard, but her final days here on this earth were extremely hard for all of us. Therefore it makes sense that every year the days Sept 25-28 are terrible....

I will never forget the last time I saw her. I remember I had on a Peach State Pride purple t-shirt with the pink peach, skinny jeans and chaco sandals. I went straight to Statesboro that Friday to see her in hospice before even going home. I remember mama had warned me to not expect her to say anything, do anything or even really know who I was.

I walked in the room. The room was a light blue, I think. I remember her entire bed was white. She was so sick laying there--like a vegetable. Mom was right; she couldn't do anything really except lay there. But, when I walked in, she looked up and smiled. I laid down with her, cuddled up next to her like I had done so many times before in her king sized bed at home and I just cried. I tried to not let her see me but I just cried. I stayed there with her for as long as I could stand it, which wasn't long. I told her bye and that I loved her.

I swore I wouldn't go back. Whether she passed the next minute or the next week, I wasn't ever going to see my hero laying there in the bed like that again.


Tonight, September 27, I went to Wesley worship. This is only the second time this year I have attended. I had some God moments.  Last week, I didn't attend, but they started a series on Peter and the storm. Tonight, we had  different kind of worship (Wesley is known for "different" and I love it). Anyway, someone read a poem of sorts, a graphic story of the night that Peter trusted Jesus in the storm. Afterwards, we had a time of prayer and reflection.

I spent my time in prayer praying for Mrs. Terri, Tori and their family. For Coy and for his family. For healing and that they would lean on God in this time of need.

The pastor ended the time of prayer in a short sermon and this is when God really spoke to me through him. Greg said that when he was in high school a mentor of his told him that a storm was coming. Maybe not right this second, maybe not in the next few months, but a storm is coming. Heck, you may be living through a storm right now and not even know it. But a storm is always coming.

To a naive high school student that didn't mean much, but it is so true. I think what's important, though, is what we do in the storm. For my family, scleroderma and death was our storm. For some, it's a terrible wreck. For others, it may be depression. I don't know what your storm is, but I know that we all have storms. Maybe now, maybe later. But they will come.

Like Peter, we have a choice to make. In the darkest night, when the storm is raging, when the wind is howling, the waves are crashing and we literally cannot see in front of us--we have a choice. Do we throw up our hands and forget about Jesus leading us? Do we look for Him in the midst of darkness? Do we follow our friends and not respond to His call? Do we get out of the boat and say if it's you, God, tell me to come? Do we cry out for Him to save us when we are sinking?

I don't know what your storms are, but I know that through my biggest storm yet--hurricane, even...

I HAVE to ask God to save me. Save me from my sadness and my bitterness because without You, it could overcome me. Save me from my doubt that You are good and Your way is perfect. Save me from my disbelief that You won't catch me when I fall.


In the eye of storm, You remain in control and I know that full well. I trust You, for You have saved me.

Seek

As many of you know, I began a new hobby this summer... bible journaling. It has been one of the most rewarding, refreshing things I've ever done. Bible journaling to me is "decorating" or "embelishing" the sides of my bible after diving into the daily scripture the Lord has presented me. If I'm being totally honest I could even say it has been my accountability for having quiet time. This is because in order for me to get to doodle in my Bible, I first have to study the scripture and pick out my take away or the main point-- what the Lord is speaking to me. 

The word SEEK. By definition it is the attempt to find something. To go after, to attempt to find. In my journey of bible journaling, at the very beginning of the school year, I landed on a passage in Deuteronomy where the Israelites were being reminded of the hard past they had to endure and are being warned about their future and how they should live in order to continue to receive good from the Lord. 

Deuteronomy 4:29 "but if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with your whole heart and soul." This was the part where they are being told how to go forth and live once they cross the Jordan into the promised land. To SEEK. Not to just find or stumble across but to seek. 

At the time of doodling this verse with pretty flowers, I didn't know the impact it would have on me in the days to come and why I would be writing a blog post about it almost 3 months later. Recently I wrote a Facebook status about I feel as if God sometimes presents us with ideas and continues to place it on our hearts until we get it. My mind hasn't changed when considering this topic. 

In this particular passage from Deuteronomy, we can learn two things: the first is that God doesn't come to us. Let me clarify: He already has come. Jesus came. In the world of the Israelites, He had already led them towards the promised land and showed them His almighty presence but it was their choice whether to live in accordance of that powerful, merciful God or not. Notice: their choice. Just as its our choice today. He has done the hard work. I think many times we all get mistaken thinking that God Himself is going to hit us upside the head and even though sometimes it may feel as if He does, He truly wants to be WANTED by us. The verse doesn't say that when the Lord seeks you, you'll find Him or you'll see Him. It says when you SEEK HIM. We choose the depth of our relationship with Him and how far we seek Him, how much we pursue a journey in knowing all that He is and wants us to be. 

Secondly, the verse says when you seek Him with your whole heart and soul. This is my favorite part of the verse. This part is no accident. At first it almost seems like the verse repeats itself because it says "but if you seek the lord, you will find Him if you seek Him..." It could have stopped there but it didn't. The Israelites were told their whole heart and soul, same goes for us today. This is the part that works on me the most. This idea that we must give up our hearts and souls, our bodies and our minds while seeking after our Savior and all that He is just so we can see more clearly what He has for us. When we give our hearts, we give our desires. Our selfish, sinful desires. When we give our souls, we give our minds. So even when my heart fails me, I can choose to seek Jesus. When my mind loses focus, I can choose to seek Jesus. 

To me, to seek and to find can simply mean to SEE. The more I grow in my faith, the more I challenge myself to SEE Jesus in all areas of my life. The more I want to pay attention to what He's doing and has done. To seek after means to find Him every day in every way of life, every part of who I am and what I do... Even the parts I wouldn't expect to see Him. To seek means to know that He is there. To seek means to know that there's always something more, that the beauty of life with Jesus is understanding that we will never have it figured out but when we seek, we find Him. 

"1, 2, 3, 4....... ready or not here I come." In simplest terms of a game of hide and seek.... You're it. After counting, you just have to give yourself up to go and look for Jesus. He's there waiting, we just have to go and seek. 

To seek..... 

He's got the whole world in His hands

I remember growing up in Sunday school and children church singing “He’s got the whole world in His hands….” The different verses would change where it said whole world and we would sing about everyone and everything we knew, “he’s got the mama’s and the babies in His hands, He’s got the daddy’s and the grandma’s in His hands… He’s got the whole world in His hands…” As a little kid that meant next to nothing I mean really, how much can you hold in your hand? However, as I have grown both physically and in my faith, that song means so much to me. God, the God of the universe literally holds everything and everyone in His hands. I am reminded on John 16:33, “In the world you will have trouble but take heart, for I have overcome the world.” That verse means what it says. God sent Jesus, God in the flesh, down to Earth to overcome all that is of the world. Literally, God has the world in His hands.  Further than that, the same God of the entire world, entire universe, holds us in His hands, like an earthly parent holds his/her child.  My almost 2 year old has hit a streak of wanting to be held. When he is scared, he wants to be held. When he is tired, he wants to be held. When he just needs to relax and feel warmth, he wants to be held. Guess what? That is how God is with us. The same God who holds the whole world wants to embrace us just like Clay wants to be embraced by me. When we have too many burdens to carry, He tells us to bring them to Him. When are tired, He says He will give us rest. When we need a new beginning, He says He will provide it. When we need love, He is the ultimate provider. Ultimately, when we need protection, He is our eternal shelter.

I can write on this topic of God wanting to hold us all day long, but truthfully, what do we want to be held? People, even “Christians” want to give God the “bad” stuff. We want him to hold our burdens and the hard parts of our life. Honestly, we blame Him for the bad part much less expect Him to hold it like it was His fault to start off with. We run to Him as a shelter when things are tough because as humans, we want someone else to handle the bad in our lives. It is easy to give Him the grief we can’t endure on our own, or the bad friendship that we just don’t want to deal with anymore, or the Sundays where we have nothing better to do but show up in church.

But what about the things of this earth that bring us joy, why are we not as willing to give those things to God and let Him hold them as well? For me, it was the high school love relationship that I thought I could handle on my own. I thought it was okay for that to be the only part of my life that I didn’t let God hold. Before long, it was the only thing holding me and the only thing I held onto. It left me in total despair and total loneliness because I had let that stupid boy “hold me” instead of my Heavenly Father. The truth is, even though we only want to let God hold the hard and bad parts of our lives, most often we mess up most by holding onto the finer things in life. Because more often than not, those are the things we should willingly let Him hold, probably before we even get our hands on them, so to speak. The things that we must end up turning back over to God after they destroy us could cause a lot less hurt if we turned them over at the very beginning.

I don’t know about you, but I am a bit of a control freak and the idea of letting someone else hold every aspect of myself and my life sometimes “freaks” me out. It is crazy to think that like I said before that the God of the entire universe wants to hold us and our lives, too! He wants the good, the bad and even the ugliest parts of our lives! I like tot think of Him as a friend who I would tell my deepest and darkest secrets too but who I would also call to tell them really exciting news! I am reminded of my 2 year old… when he figures out a new toy, he wants to show me. When he makes a mess on the kitchen floor, he still calls me to see. The good parts of his day and the bad— I am a part of it all and I hold him through all of it. That is what God wants from us, HE WANTS to hold us and even more than that, He wants us to love to be held by Him. He wants to embrace us just as I embrace Clay, as our Father; He wants to hold us. “and by Him we cry, Abba Father, for the Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s Children.” (Romans 8:15-16)

Despite the fact that I am a control freak, I have learned that when we are able to relinquish the control to God as our Father, as my Father, the control of my whole life—I am given a spirit of peace, of renewal, of mercy and of steadfast love. The power is God is relentless and abundant, for He has the power to hold me, to hold you and anyone else who lets Him, anyone else who truly loves Him! I am thankful that He surely does have the whole world in His hands.

soaking up the little things

I remember all those days I would stand hopelessly looking into the mirror. I remember watching you get ready and wishing I could do all those things with my hair and face, just like you. I remember the way you would let me pretend with all of your jewelry, clothes and make up. I remember one day I finally had eyebrow hair to pluck, just like you ALWAYS did and just like I ALWAYS watched you do. See, those were some of the little things I remember about you. How beautiful I always thought you were, even when you were sick. How much I wanted to be just like you-even if it meant painfully plucking my eyebrows. Everyday when I pluck them now (yes, everyday, just like you), I get to remember you and all of the meaningful and meaningless conversations we had in your bathroom over your bathroom counter... while you plucked your eyebrows. How silly, right? Who would have thought that something as random as eyesore plucking would make my heart long to have you back? This only makes me think of one thing: how imperative it is that we soak up the little things in life. To take heart in the everyday tasks we often take for granted. 

Clay has taught me the same thing this summer. At the beginning of the summer, the pool liner had a leak in it. This meant that everyday Daddy would turn the hose on and fill the pool back up with water to where it's supposed to be. Somehow, everyday, Clay would find the hose when it was on. His little self would sometimes get out of the pool just to stand on the side and hold the hose. Maybe he thought he was helping the water get into the pool. Or Maybe he loved to watch the hose water splash against the salty chlorine water. Whatever it was, it fascinated him. He loved it- loved the magical feeling he got from something as small as a hose. He may not ever, actually probably won't ever remember holding that hose as it flowed water into the pool, but I will always remember the way that his fascination with it stopped me in my tracks and told my soul to pause and "soak up the little things in life" and for that, I am thankful. 

Here's to hoses and eyebrows that need plucking....